"It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Ms. Erin Gray! Yay!" Kermit flapped his arms wildly, the music started, and the curtains rolled back. It was just another show, and just another headache for Kermit. Erin Gray, the very woman body-hugging spandex was invented for, was on the set, and so were the Muppet Monsters. It's not that Kermit didn't know what to expect; he knew the Monsters well enough. He just didn't know if he could prevent it. He thought back to a few seasons ago, when the very beautiful, and unfortunately, very stubborn, Rita Moreno hosted. Despite his warnings, she insisted on doing a sketch with Sweetums. The bit was funny, and ended with Sweetums carrying Rita off back-stage. He brought her back to her dressing room and slammed the door. The rest of the cast could only hear what happened next...
Rita: (laughing) That was funny!
Sweetums: Yeah.
Rita: (laughing) Okay, nice work, Papi. Now put me down easy. You're so tall.
Sweetums: Um...nah, let's do lunch first.
Rita: Huh? No playing, Papi. I'm a little 'fraid of heights. Okay?
Sweetums: Um...nope, lunch first.
Rita: Lunch? What are you talking about, lunch? Just put me down.
Sweetums: I say...lunch
Rita: Okay, this isn't funny no more. You put me down now. What are you...
Sweetums: (laughs) MMMM... Lunch...
Rita: (slightly muffled) Hey, stop...what the...this isn't funny...I said...
The conversation seemed to stop at that point, except for one last contribution from Sweetums: a loud belch. Sweetums later informed the cast that Rita left the set on short notice. As usual, the cast preferred to forget the incident.
Kermit tottered back-stage, nervously perusing the day's script, and spotted Scooter by wardrobe. "Scooter, where's Ms. Gray?"
"She's off-stage, going over some details for the aerobics sketch."
"What aerobics sketch?" Kermit asked, flipping through his clipboard.
"Oh, it's a last minute addition. The Monsters wrote it."
"What!" Kermit yelled. "Who authorized that?"
"Um, I thought you did. I mean, that was your signature on the script, right?"
Kermit sighed, and headed quickly back to the stage. He still had half a minute before Erin was scheduled to go on.
"Ms. Grey! Ms. Grey!" Kermit yelled.
Erin was stage-left, chatting with Rolf. True to form, she was simply poured into the most form-fitting, purple spandex body suit Kermit had ever seen. She turned around and greeted the little frog with a huge smile. "Hi there, Kermit. What's going on?"
"The next sketch... You can't go on..." Kermit said frantically.
"What?" Erin laughed. "Why not?"
"The monsters. They wrote the sketch."
"I know. They said they wrote it just for me."
"That's just the problem," Kermit explained. "I mean..." Kermit paused for a second. The last thing the show needed was more bad publicity. "I mean, there's been a change of schedule. We're doing another sketch."
"Another sketch!" Erin laughed. "No way. Do you know how long it took me to squeeze my tush into this outfit?"
"That's just the problem. Well, um. I mean... wouldn't you rather..."
"No," Erin interrupted, "I wouldn't. I'm about to go on in 15 seconds."
"Yes, but..."
"But what?"
Kermit thought for a second, but said nothing. Erin noticed the little frog's distress, and knelt down to his eye-level. "It's all right, Kermit. It'll go without a hiccup."
"Or a belch?" Kermit asked nervously. Erin laughed.
"Or a belch."
Kermit nodded. "Um, Ms. Gray?"
"Yes Kermit."
"Do you have insurance?" Erin laughed again.
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason. Have, um, fun out there."
"Yessir!" Erin straightened up to a mock-salute; her cuteness really was irrepressible.
And with that, Erin walked out on stage to a thunderous round of applause -- and a few cat-calls. Kermit turned to Rolf and sighed: "Do you fell like hosting the show tonight?"
(Stay tuned for Part II.)
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